TON AMOUR EST PRÉCIEUX COMME LA DESTRUCTION

Fade in.
The episode starts with an independent but pretty relevant joke. THE CAPTAIN is walking in a park. He looks to his right and sees a skeleton cuddled up under another skeletons arm. THE CAPTAIN takes a few more steps and sees a lonely skeleton sitting on a bench. He sits next to it and slowly presses lifts it's arm over his shoulders. THE CAPTAIN sighs happily and presses his head gently against the skeletons shoulder. Suddenly SNIPER speaks outside the picture.

SNIPER
Captain! Where'd you go?

THE CAPTAIN quickly jumps up, pushing the skeleton out of the picture. He spruces himself up and looks to his left.

CAPTAIN
Um, ah, what now, my half-witted underling?

SNIPER
I need you to come and take a look at this.

CAPTAIN
Of course you do.

CAPTAIN walks out of the picture. After a few seconds he strides back, picks the skeleton up and puts it back on the bench. THE CAPTAIN 'kisses' his fingers and puts the kiss on the skeletons mouth (teeth). After that he walks out of the picture and disappears.
(Insert opening.)
Fade in.
An overlook of the deserted and dirty streets. Skeletons and trash is scattered all over the ground. THE CAPTAIN's voice narrates the beginning.

CAPTAIN
Here we are, living in a deserted world poisoned by radiation. From the kings of the Earth humans have been reduced to be so small that we barely even exist.

Cut to a park full of dead trees and some skeletons wearing jog suits. One is still holding the leash of his/hers skeleton dog. THE CAPTAIN and SNIPER are sitting on a bench. SNIPER is concentrated on a piece of some old newspaper. THE CAPTAIN sits next to him, gazing in to the distance.

CAPTAIN
It's pretty lonesome out here…

THE CAPTAIN pauses for a second, like he's waiting SNIPER to answer. After few seconds he continues.

CAPTAIN
There's no one to hug or hold… Just the two of us.

THE CAPTAIN turns his head to SNIPER. SNIPER raises his head from the paper and freezes.

SNIPER
Don't even think about it.

CAPTAIN
Just a small…

SNIPER
No.

CAPTAIN
'No' spelled Y-E…

SNIPER
No.

THE CAPTAIN raises his hat slightly off his head.

CAPTAIN
I'll give you my hat.
SNIPER
No.

THE CAPTAIN jumps up from his seat and points at the hat with both of his index fingers.

CAPTAIN
It's the captain's hat! THE captain's, you little freak!

SNIPER
No.

CAPTAIN
Fine!

After saying this THE CAPTAIN turns away and strides towards the park's entrance. SNIPER casually returns to his newspaper. THE CAPTAIN mutters as he walks away.

CAPTAIN (muttering)
Dork…

SNIPER raises his head.

SNIPER
What?

CAPTAIN
Nuthing.

SNIPER returns to his paper again. The camera is focused on him, but THE CAPTAIN has obviously left the park.

SNIPER (mutters)
Dork…

Cut to the streets. THE CAPTAIN walks around the streets of the dead city. As he walks, he sings to the tune of Joan Osborne's '(What if God was) One of us'.

CAPTAIN
What if Maude had a big bus
She'd kill a stranger with a strass
Something something…
La la la…

THE CAPTAIN kicks an empty lemonade can (just for fun it could be the can of lemonade with the Holy Parchment or have a 'Gatorade' logo on it, but in form of 'Cat-o-raid' and a caricature of a dead cat.) The can rolls in front of a building. THE CAPTAIN follows the can with his eyes and then raises them to the building. The building is an old strip-club with a still functional, buzzing neon sign hanging above the front doors. The logo simply has the name 'Satin Gals' inside a big, pink neon heart. The heart is reflected on THE CAPTAIN'S goggles lenses. THE CAPTAIN walks in to the bar. The place is full of skeletons. In front the bar is a stage with two metallic poles. A skeleton with G-strings and a small top clutches one of the strip-poles. THE CAPTAIN walks to a counter with a dead bartender heavily leaning over it. THE CAPTAIN casually sits down on one of the stools and lets his gaze wander around. Then he leans closer to the dead bartender and gives a short laugh.

CAPTAIN
I think that chick's checking me out.

Back to SNIPER, who is wandering the same streets as THE CAPTAIN just a while before. He looks around, as if he's looking for something/someone.

SNIPER
Captain? Captain?

SNIPER pauses for a second and sighs.

SNIPER
…Your Excellency?

There is no answer so SNIPER starts walking again.

SNIPER
Hmm… If I was a reckless bonehead, where would I go?

Back to the bar. THE CAPTAIN sits on a stool, this time facing the dead bartender. The camera is focused on his face.

CAPTAIN
Make me a Manhattan, lowlife.

A close shot of the bartender, who obviously doesn't answer. This seems to irritate THE CAPTAIN and he raises his voice.

CAPTAIN
What?! I've drank too much already? I've drank nothing, I tell ya, nothing! If you won't serve me then I'll do it myself. Make way, you little ignoramus!

THE CAPTAIN pushes the bartender aside and heavily leans over the counter. He goes through a sea of empty bottles until he finds one filled with some clear liquid. THE CAPTAIN sits back on his seat. At this point, the camera is right in front of him, showing a worm-like monster standing (or whatever worms do) right behind him. THE CAPTAIN gazes at the vodka bottle, still unaware of the monster's presence.

CAPTAIN
Ooo! Vodka!

Outside the bar. SNIPER is standing in front of the strip bar, turning his head around.

SNIPER
Where the hell could he…?

The bar's front doors bang open as THE CAPTAIN runs out of the bar with a liquor bottle in his hand. A loud roar is heard from the bar. THE CAPTAIN stuffs a piece of cloth inside the bottle-neck as he runs towards SNIPER.

CAPTAIN
Lighter! Lighter!

SNIPER
Oh shhhhhii-

SNIPER searches his pockets in a hurry. He draws out a dented lighter and lights it. CAPTAIN lights the rag hanging from the liquor bottle, quickly turns towards the bar and throws the bottle while screaming.

CAPTAIN
Take this you sonufa bitch!

The bottle explodes and sets the bar on fire. The camera doesn't necessarily show the place setting in flames and burning, but instead THE CAPTAIN and SNIPER standing in the flames flickering light. Monster's death screams are heard in the background.
The shot shows THE CAPTAIN and SNIPER staring at each other for a while. The light flickers, but everything else seems to be frozen. The situation is very dramatic (and maybe a little romantic), like after a battle.
Then the shot changes to a close shot of THE CAPTAIN's face.

CAPTAIN
I feel like burgers.

Cut to the credits.